Smart A$$ Remarks & Bitchy Comments

O.k. everyone...as you know I love to collect sentiments, quotes, comments and the like and I have for quite some time. 

Today I have for you another fun list that has been a constant request from readers....

Smart A$$ Remarks and Bitchy Comments

It has taken me a while to type them up and I still have some to go but at least this is a start.

Most of them are "clean" but the rest can be cleaned up as desired.  

There are some sentiments that multiple words could be substituted so I tried to add those where appropriate.  I also had several quotes, sentiments in my collection that were similar so I tried to add one version...I may have missed a couple though.

Now keep in mind some of these are a bit on the sharp side...so don't say I didn't warn you.

I think they will be great for ATC's, Gothic Arches, Girlfriend Cards and so much more.

99% Angel, 1% “_______”.  (Fill in the blank and change the % as desired.)

A balanced diet consists of a chocolate (martini, margarita, etc.) in both hands.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A cheese cake turns to a pound cake as soon as you eat it.

A clean house is a sure sign of a deranged mind.

A clear conscious is a sure sign of a bad memory.

A cubicle is a padded cell without a door.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

A friend for laughter; the color purple for eccentricity and a red hat for attitude.

A friend in need may turn out to be a nuisance.

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail…a true friend will sit there with you saying, “Damn that was fun!”

A job is nice but it interferes with my crafting.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

A little grey hair is a small price to pay for so much wisdom.

A man without a woman is a bachelor; a woman without a man is a GENIUS!

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen…mine is delirious.

A moment on the lips…forever on the hips.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

A real friend would help you hide the body.

A secret is something you tell everyone individually.

A simple “Yes, your majesty.” will suffice.

A snarl, a sneer, a whip that stings…these are a few of my favorite things.

A thought crossed your mind?  Must have been a long, lonely journey.

A true friend is someone who thinks you’re a good egg even though you’re slightly cracked.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

A woman always has the last word in an argument... Anything a man says after that is a new argument.

A woman with a big fat ass should dump him!

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

A woman’s place is in total control. Any questions?

A women’s work is never done so why bother?

Actually, I’m quite normal until I’m awake.

After a certain age if you don’t wake up aching you may be dead!

After I let myself go I may never come back!

Age is a case of mind over matter…if you don’t mind it doesn’t really matter.

Airheads have room for bigger ideas!

All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would treat the Pope.

All I want for Christmas is EVERYTHING!

All I want is an umbrella in my drink.

All I want is to prove that money can’t make me happy.

All I want is more than I’ll ever have.

All kook-ie’s aren’t found in a jar.

All men are animals but some do make good pets.

All men are idiots and I married their King!

All power corrupts but we need electricity.

All stressed out and nobody to choke.

All this and a paycheck too!

All trash, no trailer!

All work and no pay…makes a Housewife!

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you Burn!

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to lazy.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

An attitude is a terrible thing to waste!

….and then the children cleaned their room, got their mommy a drink and went straight to bed.  The End!

An expert is nothing more than an ordinary person away from home.

And then she realized they WERE all alike!

And to think I’m only using one 10^th of my brain.

And which dwarf are you?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be... ?

Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

Are you sure you want to interrupt my coffee break?

As promised she served him his balls on a platter.

Aspire to be Barbie – the bitch has everything.

Attitude is a choice!

Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

Back off! You're standing in my aura.

Be your own goddess…

Be yourself, then nobody can tell you you’re doing it wrong.

Be yourself, there are enough other people.

Beauty is skin deep but ugly goes clear to the bone.

Beauty, it’s not just a job, it’s an adventure.

Because I said so!

Because I’m the mother, that’s why!

Being a lady is an attitude.

Better living through denial.

Big girls don’t cry…they get even.

Bitch – It’s not an attitude, it’s a life style.

Bite me!

Born free….now I’m expensive.

Born to be wild!

But honey, making decisions is a woman’s work.

By the time you realize your mother was right, you have a daughter who thinks you’re wrong.

Caffeine is a drug, face it ~ you’re an addict.

Can I get you some toast to go with that self-satisfied grin?

Can I retire now?

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

Cancel my subscription…I don’t need your issues.

Candy is Dandy but Liquor is Quicker.

Cash is for armatures.

Change is good.

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

Cheap at twice the price!

Chocolate is a drug, face it ~ you’re an addict.

Chocolate, men, coffee… Some things are better rich!

Choosy Mom’s choose beer!

Coffee is a kick in the attitude!

Dangerously Under Medicated

“Deja Moo” The feeling you’ve heard this Bull before.

Deep down I’m a very shallow person.

Did someone say “Open-Bar”?

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Do I ever question your lifestyle?

Do I look like a f--king “people person” to you?

Do the words “gifted” and “talented” mean anything to you?

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

Do you want fries with that?

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Domestically Disabled

Don’t be so humble, you’re not all that great.

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

Don’t criticize the coffee; you may be old and weak yourself someday.

Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful; hate me because I know it.

Don’t look at me in that tone of voice!

Don’t rush me; I’m waiting till the last minute.

Don’t take life too seriously, it isn’t permanent.

Don’t talk about yourself so much, we’ll do that when you leave.

Don’t think of it as loosing, think of it as being beat by a girl!

Don’t treat me any differently than you would the queen!

Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

Earth is full. Go home.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Everyone has a photographic memory….some people just don’t have any film.

Everyone is gifted, some people just open their package.

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

Fame usually comes to those who are thinking about something else.

Fashion can be bought, one must possess style.

Frugal is such an ugly word.

Funny…I don’t recall asking for your opinion.

Gee, another day in paradise.

Gene Police!  Get out of the pool!

Give a man a fish and you’ll feed him for a day.  Teach a man to fish and you’ll get rid of him all weekend.

Glamour is what makes a man ask for your phone number but it’s also what makes a woman ask for the name of your dress maker.

Go braless….it pulls the wrinkles out of your face.

Good Friends are like fat thighs….they always keep in touch!

Good Friends are like stars…you can’t always see them but you know that they are always there.

Good ideas aren’t as common as stupid people think.

Guess where I’m tattooed?

Has anyone seen my hormones?

He fully appreciated the error of her ways.

He was a work in progress.

Her proudest achievement was staying blond.

Her secret ingredient…resentment.

Her secret ingredient…revenge.

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

“High Maintenance” doesn’t begin to cover it.

Hmmmm, what can I buy today?

Honey, you couldn’t handle half of me!

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

Hurrah…at last I’m 30!

Hurrah…at last I’m 40!

Hurrah…at last I’m 50!

I am what I am so your approval isn’t needed.

I believe the word you’re searching for is “Beautiful”.

I believe the word you’re searching for is “Diva”.

I believe the word you’re searching for is “Queen”.

I believe we have the opportunity to make some extremely poor choices.

I can never remember which is better…. Safe? Or Sorry?

I can only please one person a day.  Today is not your day and tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

I can resist everything but temptation.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

I don’t have hot flashes; I have power surges.

I don’t have hot flashes; I have short private vacations on a tropical island.

I don’t know and I don’t care; that’s why they put me in charge!

I don’t know what your problem is but I bet it’ll be hard to pronounce.

I don’t need your attitude, I have one of my own.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I don’t suffer from stress, I’m a carrier.

I don’t want to make money, I just want to be wonderful.  (Marilyn Monroe)

I dreamed my whole house was clean.

I feel a sin coming on!

I had a perfectly wonderful day (evening, time, etc.) but this wasn’t it.

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

I hate it when crumbs fall into your cleavage, sometimes my boobs eat more than I do.

I have one nerve left and you’re standing on it!

I have PMS and a gun….any questions?

I have so much….yet I still want more…

I have what one might call “special needs”.

I hear voices and they don’t like you.

I hope my ship comes in before the dock rots!

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

I know I’m in my own little world.  It’s o.k. though….they know me there.

I know I’m not perfect but I’m so close it’s scary.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

I love not camping.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

I may be lost but I’m making great time!

I never admit or deny anything….it makes me more interesting.

I never forget a face but in your case I’ll make an exception.

I never have enough middle fingers.

I often say things I haven’t even thought of yet.

I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.

I plead contemporary insanity.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

I put on lipstick for this?

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

I shaved my legs for this?

I should come with a warning label.

I started out with nothing. I still have most of it left.

I taught your boyfriend that little thing you like.

I think you heard me correctly the first time.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I tried to contain myself but I escaped.

I try to live simply, but DRAMA just keeps following me around.

I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & maids.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

I would agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

If Barbie is so great why do you have to buy her friends?

If by happy you mean trapped with no means of escape..? Then yes, I’m happy!

If I got smart with you, how would you know?

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat (dog).

If I wasn’t so tired, I’d come over there and totally slap the crap out of you!

If life gives you lemons, make a margarita.

If life gives you lemons, stick ‘em down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.

If looks could kill, women wouldn’t need frying pans.

If not for chocolate there would be no need for control top panty hose; an entire garment industry would be devastated…. We can’t let that happen now can we?

If only Monday mornings were as easy as I am.

If plan A fails remember there are 25 more letters!

If the shoe fits, buy one in every color.

If things get any worse I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If two wrongs don’t make a right…try three.

If you can’t be a good example then be a very scary warning!

If you can’t stand the heat come into my kitchen….It’s a pretty safe bet I won’t be cooking.

If you could read my mind I’m sure you’d be traumatized for life.

If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.

If you ever need an outfit to go with that “Stick it up your ass” attitude, give me a call.

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.

If your brain were as big as your mouth then maybe we would get along.

If you’re in Hell and you’re mad at someone where do you tell them to go?

If you’re not bleeding, vomiting or on fire, chill out and stop crying.

I’ll give you a call as soon as I can remember your name.

I’ll take mind-numbing chores over a fulfilling career any day.

I’m an angel, honest.  The horns are just there to keep my halo straight.

I’m great in bed, I can sleep for days.

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

I’m not being rude, it’s just that you’re insignificant.

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

I’m not fluent in Idiot so please speak slowly.

I’m not saying we ought to misbehave but we should look like we could.

I’m not suffering from insanity…I’m enjoying every minute of it!

I’m not sure what’s wrong but I’m sure it’s your fault.

I'm not tense, just terribly  alert.

I’m not the girl your parents warned you about…they don’t have that good of an imagination.

I’m not weird, I’m just gifted.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.

I’m out of bed and I made it to my keyboard, what more do you want?

I’m so happy its “happy hour”.

I’m sorry, did I look interested?

I’m sorry; I was stuck in stupid mode.

I’m still hot…it just comes in flashes.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Imperfection is an art you seem to have mastered.

In need of a support group?  Cocktail hour with the girls!

In some cultures what I do is considered normal.

Inner beauty is for armatures.

Instant human, just add coffee (chocolate).

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Isn’t it amazing how you can hang something in your closes for a while and it shrinks two sizes?

It ain't the size that matters, it's... no, I was wrong, it IS the size.

It sure does make a long day when you get to work on time.

It takes a lot of balls to Golf the way you do!

It’s better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for what you aren’t.

It’s better to shine than to reflect.

It’s not that I’m not a people person, I’m just not a stupid people person.

It’s nothing personal….I treat everyone with equal disdain.

It’s o.k.….I don’t want a real life anyway.

It’s so involved being me…

It’s time for your big girl pill…

Just file it under, “Who Cares”.

Just let my conscious be our guidance.

Just pretend I care.

Just pretend I’m not here…that’s what I’m doing.

Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."

Just smile and say “Yes Mother”.

Just smile and say “Yes you’re Majesty”.

Just wanted you to know I’ve entered the “Snapdragon” stage of life…part of me has snapped and the rest of me is draggin’!

Keep your chin up…only the first 40 years of parenthood are the toughest.

Lactose is just one of the things I don’t tolerate.

Lead me not into temptation…I can find it just fine by myself.

Learn from your parent’s mistake…use birth control.

Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and that really is your personality.

Let’s ignore our mother’s well-meant advice.

Let’s pretend I care.

Let’s pretend to get together soon.

Life is a journey….I’ve been driven up the wall, gone around the bend and now I’m over the hill.

Life is too short to dance with ugly men.

Light travels faster than sound….that’s why some people look smart until they speak.

Like a little cheese with your whine?

Live each moment as if your hair was on fire.

Looking for trouble? Look no further.

Love your enemies; it pisses ‘em off!

Make it idiot proof and someone will improve it.

Make mine estrogen!

Make your own damn dinner.

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

Marriage is made in Heaven…but then again so are thunder and lightning.

Martinis…they’re not just for breakfast anymore.

Maybe I want to look cheap.

Medicated & motivated.

Men are like fish ~ they get in trouble when they open their mouths!

Mirrors don’t talk and lucky for you they can’t laugh either.

Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic b***h just like you.

More paperwork, please!

Motherhood, it’s not just a job, it’s an adventure.

Multi-tasking is for suckers.

My dog is smarter than your honor student.

My door is always open…so feel free to leave.

My idea of a balanced meal is a doughnut in each hand.

My inner child is a mean little bastard.

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

My secret fantasy is having two men….one for cooking and one for cleaning.

My tastes are simple, I love only the best.

Never fight with an ugly person, they have nothing to lose.

Never go to bed angry….stay up and plot your revenge.

Next mood swing ~ 6 minutes.

Nice cologne. Must you marinate in it?

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

Now be a dear and fetch mommy her flask.

Now I understand why some animals eat their young.

Of course I don’t look busy, I did it right the first time!

Often imitated, never duplicated.

Okay, okay, I take it back! UnF--k you!

Old age doesn’t make you forgetful; having way too many stupid things to remember does!

Old enough to know better, young enough not to give a rats ass!

One of life’s little mysteries is how a 2lb. box of chocolates turns into 5lbs. on your hips.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Ooops! I spent the grocery money on shoes again!

Overweight is a condition that just snacks up on you.

People think it would be fun to be a genius but they don’t realize how hard it is putting up with idiots.

People who think they know everything annoy those of us who do.

Places to go, things to do, people to sniff.

Please call back when I give a damn.

Please don’t interrupt me while I’m ignoring you.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

Practice safe eating….always use condiments.

Pretending to be normal all day is exhausting!

Put on your big girl panties and deal with it!

Remember when stalkers were called secret admirers?

Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live for today!

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Save the Earth…it’s the only planet with chocolate!

See, I told you I gave the best blow job.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

She admired his ability to rise to the occasion.

She could see no good reason to act her age.

She couldn’t remember if it was one teaspoon of arsenic or two?

She fondly thought of him as plan B.

She had no intention of suffering alone….

She had not yet decided whether to use her powers for good…or for evil.

She kind of enjoyed working for an idiot...

She made yet another wise shopping decision.

She wanted to credit her decision with the wisdom of age …but deep down inside she knew it was because of her expensive underwear and her fabulous shoes.

She was a work in progress.

She was one cocktail away from proving his mother right!

She was one can of soup away from a nervous breakdown.

She was one frozen entree away from a nervous breakdown.

Shut ‘em up with a dose of Bitch.

Slap on a little lipstick and you’ll be fine!

Smile, it confuses people.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you’ve been up to.

So many men, such few brains!

So many stores, such little cash!

Some mistakes are too fun to make only once.

Some people say sex is better than chocolate but is sex better than chocolate AND peanut butter?

Someone called about something…

Someone has got to set the bad example.

Someone is about to get herself voted off the island.

Spit in your soup? Why on Earth would I ever do that?

Stop me before I volunteer again.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Style comes in all shapes and sizes. Therefore, the bigger you are the more style you have!

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Support Bacteria….it’s the only culture some people have.

Surely it must be five o’clock somewhere.

Sweetie, if you’re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty.

Ta-Daaaaa…now let’s have a cocktail.

Take life with a pinch of salt….a wedge of lime and a shot of tequila!

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

That’s Queen B*tch to you!

The age of some women is like the speedometer on a used card…You know it’s been set back but you just don’t know how far.

The best things in life are free…with the possible exception of ____________.  (chocolate, coffee, etc.)

The key word is “alleged”.

The last think I want to do is hurt you but it’s still on the list.

The nice part of growing old in a small town is if you don’t know what you’re doing, everyone else does!

The only thing better than a friend is a friend with chocolate.

The right shoes can change your life….just look what they did for Cinderella!

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

The super girl cape is in the laundry…you’ll just have to take my word for it.

The woman who tells you her age is either too young to have anything to gain or too old to give a shit.

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

There was nothing “passive” about her aggression.

Think of me as unexpected turbulence.

This is NOT the life I ordered!

This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

Three wise men…Who are you kidding?

‘Tis the season to be jolly but the minute it’s over I’m going back to my usual crabby self!

Today I will think evil thoughts…and try NOT to say them out loud.

Together we will own your grandparents.

Too many freaks; not enough circuses.

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful! (Mae West)

Ugliness is superior to beauty because it lasts longer.

Unfortunately, some people don’t hear you until you scream.

Want some cheese with your whine?

Was it just her imagination or were all the men in her life babies?

Was she in love or was it just her allergy medication?

We all have our own baggage.

We don’t suffer fools gladly….but we do gladly make fools suffer.

Well, aren't we just a ray of f*****g sunshine?

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Well, this day was a total waste of lipstick.

We’ve been through a lot together and most of it was your fault!

What part of “I have a headache” don’t you understand?

What’s a nice girl like me doing without a drink in her hand?

Whatever had she done…and with whom?

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

When life gives you limes, make margaritas!

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Who are you calling dysfunctional?

Who said children need to eat every day?

Who wants to be a princess…. I want to be queen!

Whoever said “laughter is the best medicine” clearly never tasted scotch!

Whoever said “less is more” clearly never had enough more.

Whoever said “Size doesn’t matter.” … lied!

Wine a little and you’ll feel better.

Wow, I give birth and get to change diapers too!

Why can’t all of life’s little problems hit us when we’re teenagers and know everything?

Why do dishes when you can do daiquiris?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Why don’t you go Xerox your ass?

Why is it always about you?

Why were men created first? You always make a rough draft before you make the final copy.

Why yes, I am overqualified!

Why yes, I am that kind of girl.

Why yes, I’d be happy to put my needs last again!

With age comes wisdom…

Grey hair is like a silver crown…

Wrinkles are a badge of honor…REPEAT until you believe it!

Yes I’m pissed of, if people weren’t so ignorant and self-absorbed and stupid I wouldn’t be so bitchy.

You better put a condom on….if you’re going to act like a dick you might as well dress like one.

You can’t argue with a sick mind.

You can’t make an entrance if you arrive on time.

You can’t rewind life.

You know the speed of light so what’s the speed of dark?

You know you’re getting old when you need a base coat for your makeup.

You know you’re grown up when you reach for the last olive instead of the last broken cookie.

You look like crap….is that the style now?

You may touch my dust but please don’t write in it.

You mess with the kitty, you feel the claws.

You must have had an extra bowl of stupid this morning.

You obviously have no idea who you’re dealing with.

You! Off my planet!

You say I’m a Bitch like it’s a bad thing?

You were born an original, don’t die a copy.

You’ll eat it and you’ll like it!

Your book club may have scintillating discussions but my book club can drink your book club under the table.

Your boots may be made for walkin’ but mine are in case I need to kick your ass.

You’re as fake as the padded bra you’re wearing.

You’re never too old to try something stupid.

You’re only a bad girl if you get caught….that makes me a good girl right?

You’re only young once but you can be immature forever.